If you haven’t had the results you want with love and relationships, then it’s time to step up and be more proactive about attracting the love you want.
And the place to start is within.
You want to look at your own mindset, to discover how you’re blocking love.
In this article, I share an exercise that helps you removing blocks to love so you can learn how to stop blocking love in future.
Don’t get stuck in your past disappointments with love
Sitting at home feeling like a lonely victim who missed out on a mate, is not going to get you the results you want.
When you’ve spent countless hours on dates or on dating websites, or years in unsatisfying relationships or looking for love, it’s tempting to become despondent. If you’re not too careful, it’s easy to be pulled into the ‘woe is me’ mentality and wallow in your self pity, envy and disappointment.
Certainly, it’s healthy to be honest about your feelings. If you feel sad, angry, bitter, despondent, fed up, disappointed, hurt, heartbroken, rejected, hopeless, lonely or whatever else, then acknowledge it to yourself. But don’t get stuck there.
Your feelings are there to teach you what’s important to you. They are a source of information to help you make decisions. They are not something to ruminate and dwell on endlessly. That will not help you, it will hold you back.
After you acknowledge your emotions, you need to work out what you can learn from them. Then you take action to go out into the world and create what you want.
How you’re blocking love
Whatever results you are getting in life, you are (at least partly) contributing to that with your own mindset. Whatever the objective circumstances, you can increase your chances of relationship success by examining your own contribution to the situation.
There are thoughts you have, and habitual behaviors you have, that are blocking you from getting what you want out of life. Many of these, you aren’t even aware of.
Thoughts and habits that are your “normal” go unquestioned, unexamined, and unnoticed. Meanwhile, they’re silently and secretly holding you back.
We all have blind spots around the ways we are getting in our own way. The more we can become aware of these blind spots, the greater chance we have to act differently and get a better result.
An exercise for removing blocks to love
This is an exercise for discovering your limiting beliefs that are holding you back in love and relationships.
Repeat the exercise daily for as long as you find it helpful.
I used to do it every morning for several weeks, because I found it so helpful. I found that each day I would notice and deal with one or two blocks, and then the next day more would come into my awareness.
Over time the affects add up and you’re thinking in a whole new way, and getting different results. It seemed to me that I was decluttering my mind – ridding it of a couple of unhelpful beliefs and blockages each day.
Instructions for clearing emotional blockages
1. Think of one issue in your love life that you are currently unsatisfied with.
What is the result that you are currently (or repeatedly) getting in that area?
- You’re frequently disappointed by your partner.
- You keep getting into relationships with emotionally unavailable men.
- You can’t find any men you are interested in having a relationship with.
2. On a page write the following…
- “Based on my results in life, it seems I am unconsciously committed to…“
3. Complete the sentence with the result identified in step 1.
eg “Based on my results in life, it seems I am unconsciously committed to being disappointed by romantic partners.”
It might be tough for you to swallow that you have been responsible for this result in your life (at least partly – some would say fully). However, even if you legitimately have been victimized in some way here, the best way for you to move forward is to focus on the ways YOU contributed to the problem.
This is not about ‘letting the other person off the hook’. It’s about taking back your power.
You can’t change other people but you can change yourself. Changing your own thoughts, beliefs and actions give you a lot more influence over the situation than you realize.
The word ‘unconsciously‘ indicates that you haven’t been getting this result intentionally, and probably not even with awareness. The next step in the process develops your awareness of how you impact the results in your life, so you have more power to change the results in future.
3. Dig into this deeper.
Take some time to think about this issue in your life with a particular focus on ways you are contributing to this result. And there will be ways you are contributing.
Write down your observations on this. To prompt you, you can think about these questions:
- How are you (or might you be) contributing to this dynamic in your life?
- In what ways has this pattern happened in your life?
- In the area of love?
- Are there other areas where you’re having similar problems (eg also being disappointed by work, school, friends)
- Why might you have this pattern in your life?
- Where did it come from?
- Was it role modeled to you?
- Was it a defense you developed at some point in your life?
- Were you taught from experience to expect certain things out of relationships?
- Have you had boundaries that let people think it was ok to treat you in a way you’re not really ok with?
- What benefits are you getting by having this pattern?
- It may be tempting to say ‘there are no benefits to me – I don’t want this result in my life at all, it’s horrible!’, but take your time here. Skipping over this step will stop you from really discovering the parts of the situation that are in your control and that are holding you back.
- If you’re choosing to act or think in a certain way, there is some kind of benefit to you motivating you to do so.
- This behavior/feeling is habitual to you so it feels comfortable and familiar.
- It’s what was role modeled to you, so it’s all you know.
- It gives you a slight sense of superiority to feel better than the other person.
- Feeling angry gives you a temporary feeling of strength and empowerment.
- It lets you feel like a victim which lets you off the hook for taking action to get different results.
- By avoiding getting close to potential partners, you avoid the risk of getting hurt.
4. What is a more empowering belief or commitment you could have instead?
Write down “I now consciously commit to…”. Then complete the sentence with a more empowering belief/thought/action.
There could be many different beliefs you could choose. You don’t need to list out many. And there is no right answer to this.
Choose one new commitment that feels like it would be particularly helpful or empowering for you to focus on right now. The commitment you choose will be unique to you, and will be inspired by what you identified in step 3 on digging deeper.
Say you previously identified the pattern: “Based on my results in life, it seems I am unconsciously committed to being disappointed by romantic partners.”
A more helpful belief for you to focus on right now could be:
- I now consciously commit to choosing men who are reliable, considerate and available.
- I now consciously commit to more clearly stating my wants, preferences, desires and needs.
- I now consciously commit to being proactive about meeting my own needs instead of waiting for someone else to meet them for me.
- I now consciously commit to having more realistic expectations of what my partner should do for me.
- I now consciously commit to letting go of relationships that are continually disappointing to make room for a more satisfying relationship in my life.
5. Optional: Set up reminders of your new commitment.
I have found that, often, simply doing this written exercise alone helps to shift my awareness, patterns and results.
If you feel you would benefit from extra reminders about your new commitment, then find a way to do this.
I like to get my phone to remind me of affirmations at a certain time each day. Some people like to stick post-it-notes up around the house, such as on the bathroom mirror.
You can repeat your new commitment to yourself in your self talk whenever you feel your old pattern starting to happen. This helps to remind you, that you always have choices and options in how you respond to the circumstances in your life. Be proactive about finding new ways of dealing with old patterns so that you can get different results.
This exercise was inspired from the book “Attracting Genuine Love: A Step-By-Step Program to Bringing a Loving and Desirable Partner into Your Life” by Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks. If you want to read more about identifying your unconscious commitments and replacing them for better ones, you can pick up a copy from Amazon.
This exercise isn’t just for identifying “why am I blocking love”. You can use the same process on other areas of your life you’re unhappy with too.