Working out what YOU need in a relationship

Right… it’s time to call in the relationship of your dreams!

Not any old relationship. Certainly not the first random person that smiles in your direction. I’m talking about finding an AMAZING relationship. One that feels satisfying, happy and right for you.

You need to become very, VERY clear about what you’re looking for so you’ll recognize it when you find it. So you don’t waste time on relationships that are going nowhere. So you don’t get distracted by bright shiny objects (hot men) who don’t have the features you need for the relationship you want.

You have to get serious about working out what you need in a relationship.


Why you should write a list of what you want in a partner

Imagine you were going to buy a car. You’d put some time and research into figuring out what features you wanted, so you knew what to look for and so you don’t end up accidentally getting a lemon.

If you don’t want a lemon as a mate… I’d suggest investing the same time and thought into working out what you want in a relationship.

Working out what you want as a mate is an ongoing process. You learn from observation, from experience and from intuition.

Writing a list about what you want in a partner or relationship makes you put in the time, thought and effort the decision deserves. It helps you take on a more pro-active approach to love, rather than feeling helpless and passive. It helps you to make good decisions as you can avoid the ‘lemons’ and look in the right places for the type of partner you DO want.

Some people use the exercise as a way of “manifesting” a relationship.

For others, it’s a more practical, down-to-earth tool for increasing your self knowledge and focusing your attention, so that you’re more likely to be looking in the right places for the right people.

I’ve heard stories from “relationship coaches” about writing a list about what you need in a relationship, and BAM – one month later Prince Charming turns up on their door step.

It’s a hope inspiring story. But don’t read too much into it. This certainly doesn’t happen for everyone who writes a list.

I’ve done this exercise several times throughout my life. And then, another date/relationship/experience would come and go, and I’d get even wiser about what I needed in a relationship. So my list was updated. Some things were added, and some things dropped off as I realized their insignificance. (When I say updated… I didn’t actually modify an ongoing list… each time I did this exercise I’d start a fresh list. Doing this ensured my new thinking didn’t get stuck in the assumptions of my past thinking.)


Writing your own list of what you want in your ideal relationship

cheerful couple in loveYou can do this exercise with pen and paper, or electronically if you touch type. Whatever flows best for you.

This is a personal journey of discovery. It’s something that you’ll refine and get clearer on with experience.

Ideally, you want to include things on your list that are particularly important to you and leave off things that don’t really matter.

Your mind can only pay attention to so many things at once. So make sure you’re writing down the features that count, so your mind is focused on those and not getting distracted by superficial details.

Try to think about what makes a great partner.

  • What are the personality traits that matter to you?
  • What values are important to you?
  • What lifestyle do you want to share?
  • How do you want to feel around that person?
  • How do you want them to treat you?


I need someone who takes responsibility for themselves, their feelings, their actions, and their results.
I need someone who is aiming for a successful, happy, fulfilling relationship and actively invests into bringing that into existence.
I need someone who believes in love and believes in their own ability to have a fulfilling, loving relationship.
I need someone who is ready – emotionally, logistically, legally, etc – to build a happy relationship with me.
I need someone with emotional intelligence.
I need someone who’s a life long learner.
I need someone who I am physically and emotionally attracted to; and who is physically and emotionally attracted to me.
I need someone who sees me as their ally. I need someone who is on my side.
I need someone I can trust and who trusts me.
I need someone who sees all of me, and values my mind, heart, body and soul.
I need someone who wants a happy, monogamous relationship.
I need someone who I enjoy spending time with socially – in private and in public.
I need someone who has an appreciative attitude to life.
I need someone who is a good communicator in general and with me in particular.
I need someone who wants to be with me, who loves me, and wears their heart on their sleeve about that.
I need someone I can rely on. Who tells the truth, who follows through, who’s loyal, whose actions matches their words, who looks after me.
I need someone who deserves to be showered with my love, affection, attention, care & wealth.
I need someone who is stable and consistent in being there for me.
I need someone who connects with me daily, and takes the initiative to do so.
I need someone affectionate, caring and kind.
I need someone healthy and with a healthy lifestyle.
I need someone who is genuinely happy with life, their past, present and future.
I need someone with a healthy, effective way of handling conflict, and emotions.
I need someone who values, cherishes and treasures me.
I need someone who is generous with their love, affection, time, attention, appreciation, money & touch.
I need someone I have a great sex life with.
I need someone who turns me on, lights me up and makes me want to be with them.
I need someone around whom I feel relaxed, safe, comfortable, happy, and at ease.
I need someone who gives 100% to our relationship.
I need someone who is proud of me and proud to be my partner.
I need someone who feels blessed to know me and be with me.
I need someone easy to be with and to live with.
I need someone who I look forward to spending the rest of my life with.
I need someone who feels like my soul mate and who feels the same level of connection to me.
I need someone who makes my life better.
I need someone who makes me feel nurtured, protected, supported, wanted.
I need someone who feels like my safe haven, my future, & the love of my life.
I need someone who shares my spiritual outlook.
I need someone who is a family man.
I need someone who accepts my children as his own.
I need someone who lives near me.
I need someone who is financially stable and responsible.

What now?

The process of working out what you need in a relationship is an ongoing, lifelong journey. Even once you find a great mate, you and they and either of your needs can change.  You’ll get older and wiser and your priorities and preferences will change. Don’t think that because you wrote the list once when you’re 20 that it’ll still apply when you’re 30.
You can come back to this exercise and write a list of what you want in a partner whenever you feel like you need a fresh start. Or if you’ve learned something new about what’s important to you or in a relationship. Meanwhile, keep looking around our site to keep learning about what it takes to have more love in your life!

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